Been there. Felt that.

6 Questions you shold not ask me

Well, me or anyone else for that matter.

For the most part, asking each other questions is encouraged. It shows us that people are interested in who we are as people and that they care, or at least pretend to care. However, there are some questions that you should avoid asking, primarily because it will make the other person upset, uncomfortable, or pissed — particularly if you don’t know them that well.

Having said that, I’m pretty sure most of us have gone through those annoying moments when you really wanna box the other in the face or between the eyes, legs, hell, wherever one can reach and scream, NONE OF YOUR FREAKIN’ BUSINESS but instead you force a smile and reply some seemingly sane nonsense.

And honestly there could be more than 6. Questions that is. And people too…there is no dearth of ‘em on this planet but let’s just be lady like about it and say it’s only 6. Like those quick tip posts on self-improvement which are supposed to help you grow as an individual. Try. Please. At the least try, give me hope hallelujah!

So here we go…

1. What happened babe? You look tired/sick.

Seriously. Haven’t you met them? Those acquaintances you bump into at parties, who start a dialogue with that question. And here you are, having taken like 2 hours to get dressed, applied every trick of make up to look air brushed and natural, and you say, I look tired?! Like really?! This is your conversation starter? You may be asking out of concern, but that concern makes me look kind of like shit. So just keep your question to yourself unless I’m panting uncontrollable, crawling on the floor, start sneezing or coughing up a storm.

Do you honestly expect me to continue talking to you after this? Right after you have dramtically tried to ruin my confidence do you really want me to hug you, appreciate your candidness, whilst I compliment your dress, handbag, your hot fuchsia lipstick?

Yet what I ended up saying: ‘Really?! No I’m fine,’ and then go on to make an excuse for some retarded reason as a compensation for your faux concern, ‘maybe coz I just had a really busy day.’

However what I really wanted to say: ‘No I’m not tired. In fact I can run all over you and complete a 5K marathon of the choicest words without even asking for a glass of water. Shall I?’

#@!#

2. What’s wrong? You have changed.

Gosh! These are those who call themselves friends but really are on the periphery of your friendship circle. Far from the core but still in the ring kinda thing. And they will meet you after a gap of weeks, months, sometimes years and insist they can sense that something’s wrong with you or your life. ‘You’re just not the same, where’s the old (include your name here) I knew.’

Please note that these so called friends will have made no effort in this period of absence to keep in touch with you or check on how you’re doing. Yet all of a sudden they now have the right to make a judgement call on your personality. Where’s Judge Judy when I need her, dammit?!

And I politely said: “No really, nothing like that, all is well. Come on, I am the same.’

When I really should have said: Yes. I have changed. It’s called evolution! Clearly something you’ve missed altogether. Aka growth, maturity, wisdom, better person… anything ring a bell here?! You know, people change. That’s usually a good thing.

Thank God for it!

3. Are you pregnant?

Oh! This one’s so tricky, so unless you’re 100% sure someone is knocked up — please — don’t ask. Ask someone else who might be a little more in-the-know. You can ask someone how they’re doing (while not staring at their belly) and if they want to tell you about their uterus’s houseguest, they will.

But more often than not you will get those nosy aunties and/or those whose curiosity killed all the cats in the neighborhood, whose sole survival depends on the fertility of your sex life. Regardless then, if I have my Lumbar 5 and 6 knotted in a twist which has me sitting up and down gingerly or if I have gained a few extra pounds they will be there to remind me that there can be a feeling far worse than it.

Is there good news? They ask.

I’d almost apologetically reply: ‘No, just my back.’ And then go into the back story.

What I’d like to have said: ‘Oh! It’s just my stomach. Some days I wear it out like my shirt, it kinda hangs out then. Other days I tuck it in, like this… see! All gone. Amazing isn’t it?! It’s Gods miracle. You wanna try? Suck it in. Come on, suck it up! And I guess I’m due to watch you get super embarrassed in about 20 seconds from now.’

People! It’s no rocket science to understand why ‘are you pregnant’ doesn’t fly. You really can’t be too cautious. I’ve chatted with a friend in her eighth month and still waited for her to bring it up first. Still less awkward than a false positive. If you still don’t get it, as a general guide, use this chart.

Hope that clarifies.

4. How is your English so good?

Now this one I get all the time especially here in the United States or when travelling abroad. I wonder why Indians are assumed to not be able to speak English well. I don’t understand why people make it sound like a big deal. Why do they think that someone with good English can only be American or British; and an Indian speaking good English is some sort of wonder or miracle?

What I’d say: Thank you, English is really almost like the first language back home.

What I wish I had said: ‘So is yours, thank you.’

‘Here’s how; It is the medium of instruction in education, formal language of business and law in the country. The standard use of English through media, internet and information technology has made it a universal language in a country which speaks 22 major languages, written in 13 different scripts, approximately 1652 rationalized mother toungues, with over 720 dialects.

All of the above factors keep reinforcing one another. It’s no wonder then that there is a good proportion of Indians who can speak basic to really good English.’

That will be all for today.

5. Another holiday? Oh what a life you have, you are so lucky.

This one will resonate with so many of you who have a job like mine which requires you to travel. Like all the time. Therefore trust me, it’s NOT a holiday. It’s work. Another day of making a living. Not complaining… Totally grateful coz I love what I do and I do what I love but no, my bags don’t have flip flops, sand or souveniers in them. So, clearly you have got it all wrong.

Yet I’d answer imploringly: ‘I wish! But no, not at all. It’s a work trip, you know that.’

When I’d rather have said: Ya right. Would you like to join me whilst I consistently pack, unpack and repack with the efficiency of a crazed robot, live life out of a grey suit case with a red ribbon, marry jet lag and PMS across time zones?

Come; join me on my holiday!

6. If you don’t mind can I ask you a personal question?

Yikes! This one takes the cake. You’ll be at a party or at a social gathering and you’ll have that one sample case who will plant this question and many a times not even wait for you to reply. They will just go ahead and ask you the most intimate detail of your life.

I don’t even feel like elaborating on this one. Let’s just put it this way…if you’re my close friend you wouldn’t need to ask me. Most likely I would’ve already told you what you’re about to ask me. You’d already know. So it really comes down to only two options.

Are you a close friend?
or
Are you not a close friend?

Trust me, it’s not a trick question. Coz if you’re not then you don’t get to ask and if you are then you wouldn’t ask, you’d know, or we’d have our own ways of talking about it which surely would not include this question in a public setting.

And yet what I’d end up saying is: ‘Yeah sure!’

Whereas what I wanted to say is: ‘No!’ — Really nothing more than that. Just that, two letters, NO!

Thank you!

Basically as a thumb rule, if you’re not sure whether a question is appropriate to broach, chances are, it’s not. When it comes to curiosity, discretion is certainly the better part of valor.

Fortunately I have come a long way since then. I learned the art of speaking my mind assertively because it hurt too much to bite my tongue all the time.

So there you are. My ½ a dozen. Add to it by all means. I’d love to hear yours too.

What are some of your pet peeve questions?

Go ahead, answer that if you may.

Life Coaching or Therapy is expensive

Life Coaching/Therapy Myth #4

Have you gone through a phase in life when you thought you need the guidance and expertise of a life coach?  You felt you needed a therapist to unload the past and overcome thar which is weighing you down at present? And then you just shook your head and said, ‘Yes, but life coaching or any kind of therapy work is so expensive.’

People often look for quick-fixes instead of life coaching or therapy for financial reasons. Like that cigarette puff which gives you a fake sense of calm, that shoe on sale which replaces your stress with style, that random intimate encounter which makes you feel momentarily wanted, popping those pills which lull you off to sleep or that ‘one more for the road’ drink with the guys which makes you forget it all. However I’d like to propose a question for you here; Life Coaching and Therapy is expensive; as compared to what?

For me, it was a personal investment. I spent five years learning and trying every new theory and therapy during a time in my life when I couldn’t afford it. There was pain from my past that I knew I needed to address, and for me it warranted using my credit card and working two jobs. Now, I’m not surely encouraging you to do the same—that’s a decision only you can make. But my view is that good coaching/therapy is worth the time and money. There is greater cost for not doing the inner work to improve the quality of your life. When you consider how your well-being - or lack of it - will impact your relationships, health, career success, and overall life satisfaction, personal life coaching and/or therapy is an investment clearly worth making.

MYTH: Life Coaching and Therapy is expensive, I can’t afford it.

FACT: Yes, seeing a life coach or therapist often can get expensive. Yet when you think about price, what's the cost of not going for it? Your relationship/marriage? Your job performance? Think about how your distress may conflict with your work, relationships or your life and then make a decision about pricing.

It is also true that you don’t have to always pay top dollar for expert help. Yet people are hesitant about entering a client-coach relationship in order to prioritize their own well-being and let the cost be an excuse for not getting help.

Health insurance companies often provide some mental health coverage, but whether a coach or therapist takes insurance or not varies. If they don’t, many offer sliding fee scales based on income for people who need help but can’t afford it. Most of us aspire to make a positive difference in people lives. We are do-gooders and want to help people, so if someone needs care but can’t afford it, you can usually work towards an installment payment structure which is best suited to your financial position. Thereafter it is just a question of budgeting and prioritizing. Sometimes professionals also provide mental health services for free or at a reduced fee on certain days or hours of business as a gesture of gratitude and giving back to the community at-large.

In conclusion; the long term cost of not getting the help one needs can be high. You may think why should I pay someone to be nice to me and care for me? I can get that for free from a loved one. However, there is a huge difference between a life coach or therapist and your family or loved ones.

What you pay for is their time, expertise and commitment to your success - the caring infact is for free.

Note: Tasneem Kagalwalla offers free of cost online/1:2:1 life coaching every Saturday between 0900 -1300 hours CST. Prior appointments are required. She reserves the right to accept or decline a client based on individual requirements and/or space availability.

Contact Tasneem Kagalwalla for more information on how Life Coaching works best for you.

www.tasneemkagalwalla.com

Click here for Therapy Myth #3 http://tasneemkagalwalla.blogspot.com/2015/01/therapy-myth-3.html  

Click here for Therapy Myth #2 http://tasneemkagalwalla.blogspot.com/2014/10/therapy-myth-2.html

Click here for Therapy Myth #1 http://tasneemkagalwalla.blogspot.com/2014_09_01_archive.html

Do you believe a Life Coach or Therapist will fix you?

Life Coaching/Therapy Myth # 2

You are driving down the highway and all of a sudden your car stalls and swerves. You struggle to keep control and just about manage to get the car to come to a grinding halt. Yikes! Something is wrong with your car.

What’s next? When there is a problem with your car, you take it to a mechanic to get it fixed. You take it to an expert.

What about when you are feeling unwell? You go to the experts; therapists. But you are not a car and you cannot be fixed.

For therapy to work, you need to be an active participant, bringing your expertise about what life is like for you. The best solutions and insights will come from you, with the therapist acting more like a skilled and knowledgeable facilitator, guiding the process. Therapists do not fix you and they do not tell you what to do, how to walk, talk, think, and feel. And thank heavens for that! Can you imagine being dependent on a therapist to tell you how to live?

MYTH: Therapists are experts. They will fix me.

FACT: If only this were true! A qualified therapist is there to guide you through your challenges and therapy is an experience where you can feel relieved that you are not alone with your problems, there is a qualified and proficient individual who is there to guide and direct you to success.

Working with a therapist can be compared to working with a physical trainer. Although a trainer can provide an inspirational structure for change, helping the client to identify specific goals and suggest a regime to achieve them, it is always up to the client to make use of the tools provided.

Therapy can be similarly overwhelming at first. Initially you may not even notice the results. You wonder when you will see the new changed you. It is common to feel a bit worse before you feel better, but if you stick with the process, let go of old habits, and rework some perceptions, soon enough you have your mind and body functioning better than ever.

Therapy does require you to work and does not always provide an immediate sense of relief. You may confront feelings, thoughts, memories or personal insights that are uncomfortable, even painful. These experiences result in you wanting to make changes in your beliefs, values, habits or behaviours that may make you uncomfortable at first.  Yet with time and effort they will result in a happier healthier you.

In that sense therapy is a lot of hard work—a process more akin to going to the gym than going to the spa.

Ultimately the responsibility for change rests with you. The therapist will not provide you with a psychological blueprint of who you are. The therapist’s role is to provide a safe and comfortable environment along with a trusting relationship where questions can be addressed. Therapists will not often give advice, but rather, help you to understand the conflicts within you that make it difficult for you to make your own decisions. Of course there are a-ha moments and revelations during sessions, but for change to really happen and last, the majority of the work happens between (and after) sessions. With your therapist’s help, you work towards your goals, decide on a plan for growth and change, and then practice the new behaviors not only during the sessions but most importantly out in the real world.

In the long run, the goals of therapy are for people to develop more awareness, gain more self-insight, and make the most of their strengths and abilities thereby creating a new compelling future ahead.

People like:

• Taasha made the big move – quit her job and relocated across continents to move forward with the relationship of her dreams.

• Sarah is using the tools and techniques that she learned to close deals in her new Sales Manager role.

• Neil left a successful career with the aviation industry to follow his passion and is now a successful fashion photographer.

You could be next!

www.tasneemkagalwalla.com

As featured in http://whattherapy.com/therapy-myths-busted-part-2/

Click here for Therapy Myth/Part 1 http://tasneemkagalwalla.blogspot.com/2014/09/therpay-myth-1.html

Do you believe seeing a Life Coach or Therapist means you are weak?

Life Coaching/Therapy Myth #1

My journey in the world of self-improvement and therapy began years ago purely based on necessity. It is common for life coaches and therapists to have started out for themselves. It was true for me too.

I didn’t stumble upon it. Eager friends did not introduce it to me over a breezy afternoon. There was no bolt of lightning that struck me in a dream and told me this is what I was meant to do. No!

For me, it was not a magical initiation.

I was going through a rough patch in my life. It was as if I had lost control of how I chose to live. I was remote-controlled by my circumstances, feeling lonely, low, and lost in the maze of life.

Mental health challenges affect millions of people around the world. Unfortunately, misconceptions about therapy not only discourage people from seeking help but also contribute to the stigma surrounding these issues. Many people have a perception of what therapy is that does not quite match up to reality.

What is therapy to you? Is it lying on a couch with a box of issues and paying top dollars to talk to someone who does not seem to quite get it? Or more like a reality TV show where you are openly and publicly blamed and shamed, as you are confronted? If so, please think again. Therapy is not that.

In a myth-busting series to share facts and raise awareness, we will address some of the most common ones. The truth will set you free.

Myth 1# Therapy means I am weak, less of a man/woman, mentally ill or crazy.

Asking for help is not a weakness.

Think of these other scenarios. Are people “weak” when they pay for tuition classes to improve academically? What about when they are sick, maybe with a cough of a cold? Are they weak to see the GP? It is not a weakness to recognize that certain areas of our well-being are less than and we need professional help.

Researchers continue to find new links emphasizing the value of taking equal, if not more, care of mental health to ensure good physical health. This is often referred to as the mind-body health connection.

Emotional challenges can show up as physical symptoms. When we are physically unwell over prolonged periods of time, we may also develop emotional issues. Sadly, having emotional or cognitive concerns is often seen as a moral failing or character flaw.

Men are especially stereotyped, making it harder for them to seek help. Men don’t cry. Men don’t talk about feelings. Men need to have it all figured out.

Seeking help for your problems means you are taking action and being responsible. It is gender-neutral. Asking for help requires more courage than remaining passively stuck. Getting help is actually a sign of resourcefulness and strength.

Many people who seek therapy are “normal” people, people like you and me, suffering from very “normal” everyday life stressors. We all face difficult times, anxiety, and even depression at some point or another. People go to therapy to cope with school, careers, relationships, disorders, stress, and grief or just to figure out who they are and learn to live the life they desire, to live life to the fullest. Sometimes people see therapists to seek an outside perspective of a difficult situation.

Consider this – if therapy did not help better lives significantly, why would top athletes, successful executives, and celebrities have coaches, mentors, and other such professionals? Bottom line is that there is no shame in wanting a better life.

So one day, there I was, reluctantly attending a family get-together. As everyone enthusiastically smiled for the camera, I barely managed a feeble smile. A week later, when a copy of the group photo was mailed to us, I sat there looking at the person in the picture. I was stunned. Is that really me? I could not recognize who I had become. It was then that a small voice in my head said, “You are everything you choose to be.”

I chose that day to salvage myself and reclaim my life. And I did! I learned and tried every new theory, therapy, and home remedy suggested to me. Committed to the journey of self-discovery and improvement, I left no stone unturned. Today, I am here simply asking you this – are you everything you choose to be?

As featured in http://whattherapy.com/therapy-myth-1/

www.tasneemkagalwalla.com