3 lessons I learned from my past

When looking back is a good thing…

The New Year has been rather eventful with so many twists and turns. Life somehow never fails to surprise, with its curve balls of chances, choices and change.

Over the past two months a business trip took me visiting many old addresses. Flashbacks of years gone by; people and places left behind in the race of life and living. I walked through some corners of my heart that I had squared off and some footsteps which when retraced unleashed much nostalgia. Though I preach and practice dreaming forward – just for these few snatched moments I succumbed to dreaming backwards, lying vulnerable in a labyrinth of memories.

It did leave me feeling rather exposed and reflective. Yet what came forth as a result was enlightening. What was that, you might ask?

This - 3 lessons I learned from my past.

Don’t shut out your past. If it has resurfaced; understand why.

Hmmm.  Aren’t you curious about those moments when something or someone from your past reappears in your present as if you have stepped into a time machine?  Like an instant portal into that era, there you are swirling in memories of that group of colleagues that you shared every bit of your life with back then, or that old romance, those special girlfriends that you bared your soul with – opening floodgates of remembrances.

Now I believe that everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences in life. If things and people have stepped into the present, they’re here to show you something about yourself in the here and now. So you might wonder, is it the right time for me to resolve something, think differently, change some beliefs or offer a helping hand? Why not treat these windows into your past as an opportunity to remember who you were and appreciate what you are now? Give yourself some credit for the path you have walked and the milestones you’ve achieved along the way.  

 

Then step one layer down to ask, “Is there something from this period of my life that I need to let go of?” “Is there something from this period of my life that I need to hold on to?” If the answer is maybe or yes, then write a word that represents that thought. Is it about who you were then, what you learned, is it a characteristic you need to lose or an abandoned self-belief that you need to find again and carry into the present. Treat the past as a teacher. Simply ask the memories that sift up from your past, “Why are you here now?” and then keenly listen.  

 

You are the ultimate artist of your bigger picture. Design your life by using these precious stones of the past to springboard you into the future you desire. 

You don’t need to fix the past every time in order to have a future:

Whilst in the above process of understanding your past you may as a result come across a quality, a certain mind set or a habit which you’re still struggling to imbibe or abstain from. Unresolved, it (re)appears posing as ‘problems’ in your personality.

At such times; we tend to believe that the responsible, necessary, or adult-like thing to do would be to hold the problem tightly until we fix it. Professionally I must admit, I often recommend to examine it, analyze it, talk about it and focus on it with a whole lot of emotion and energy until you deal with it.

However in hindsight, sometimes that creates more suffering. Of course, there’s a lot to be said for understanding ourselves and our experiences in a new way and taking action where action is needed. Those are absolutely necessary. But keeping our “problem” under a constant microscope, trying to use our intellect to solve it as if it’s a crossword puzzle, is not the only way to freedom.

Sometimes the best chance for change comes from letting go of everything you thought you knew, letting those loose ends remain just that; loose and undone. Instead focus on the present. Be open to fresh, new insights and ideas. Don’t carry around the box of your past; leave it there. As an alternative, address your issue in the now. Start thinking anew.

Don’t think inside the box. Think outside. No box required.

Remember; you can’t make old friends; you either have them or you don’t.

Most importantly along your journey, there would be some people who watched you rise and shine out into your own. Some of these celebrated your victories with you and a few other quiet ones silently rejoiced from the shadows. Oblivious, you lived your life up until you met them again. After decades. Maybe more. And it didn’t matter. It was just like old times. No questions asked, no judgments passed. These hearts still carry a torch for you. Cherish those souls. The ones which have stood the test of time and distance. Give them a permanent spot in your life and keep them close. These special ones are for keeps.

I’ve discovered that staying connected with old friends can make you happier here and now.

Look at me; I’m grinning from ear to ear.

 www.tasneemkagalwalla.com

Are you struggling with your past? Do you wish to learn how to let go of your problems? Are you unable to overcome old memories from your past and be more content in the present? Contact Tasneem Kagalwalla to know how Personal Coaching can help you embrace yourself in the present whilst creating the compelling future you desire.

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20Improvement

One person can

A quick exercise

Yesterday over a chance conversation someone asked me why I haven’t written in a while. He went on to add, that ‘regardless of anyone reading your posts or not, I always do and will. Please write.’

Hearing that at a time when life is stretched out in all directions was inspiration enough to step out and away from a super tight schedule and make the time to put this out there.

'I value your appreciation and trust that some bonds withstand the tides of time.'

So this one’s for you.

And each of you who connect with his sentiment. Or mine. As both are similarly united in thought.

If you can touch the life of just one person, it’s worth it. Grab the opportunity. This one connection measured against the vastness of the world may seem insignificant to the ambitious, yet to the person whose life you have touched, the significance can be profound. Besides through this one person you've probably had a far greater impact on way more people than you realize.

Think about it. When one person influences another, what happens?

A ripple effect. Over time this one person can actually impact generations to follow.

Here's a quick exercise for you.

Think about all the people who have impacted your life. Teachers, employees, coworkers, managers, customers, family or friends. Make a list. If too many come to mind, start with ten at a time. Let them know how they played a small or big part in influencing your life. Just sharing your experiences and insights may positively impact their current circumstances. Who knows? It may be just what they need to hear at this point of time in their life. Trust me; it's far more generous than any material gift of gratitude you can ever give.

Sooner or later you will have the same act of kindness reciprocated. Life always comes full circle. Like a boomerang. An echo. What you send out, comes back. What you sow, you reap. What you give, you get.

All it takes is one gesture. One person. One moment at a time.

www.tasneemkagalwalla.com

Contact Tasneem Kagalwalla to know how Life Coaching works best for you.

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20Improvement

Love is like that

3 lessons to remember in unrequited love  

 Do you have that one love which still burns silently in the darkest corners of your heart?

Did you give everything you had to someone without making sure they wanted it?

Did you struggle with that one crush that you just could not get over? A feeling that you would have done absolutely anything for them to notice you, talk to you, pay attention to you. When her smile lit up every crack and corner of your heart or when just seeing him gave you a 1000 different species of butterflies in your stomach.

It sounds romantic: To love someone with all of your heart and soul, whether or not they love you back. After all love asks for nothing in return. True that. But dealing with reality is different. Every day, every moment the pain of loving someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you can be almost unbearable. It certainly doesn’t feel romantic. The feeling of finding out you mean nothing to the person who means everything to you is devastating. Dealing with unrequited love is a lot like getting over a break up, except there is no love story that started it all. In that sense it feels more miserable pining over something you never had in the first place.

Undoubtedly infatuation, longing, and love can be agonizing when they remain un-reciprocated. However one can work towards letting go and learning through the process of healing. 

Here are 3 lessons to remember whilst doing just that.

Accept Acceptance

What you had was NOT a relationship. It was not meant to be. Accepting the reality of the situation may be the most important and biggest step you can take when dealing with unrequited love. It is important to keep in mind that someone’s lack of returned affection does not mean you are a bad person, unattractive or unworthy of love. It simply means they were/are just not interested in you in that way. It may not have anything to do with you. It could be a matter of where they are in life. 

Their circumstances, bad remnants of their history, or a sheer lack of chemistry. Who knows? Anyone who cannot recognize your worth and how awesome you are doesn’t deserve YOU. Poof! Be gone! Let go of that person and move on. However to do that, you have to accept the situation as it is — you love him/her and they don’t love you. This lesson in life stings a little. You may even shed a few (far too many) tears, but if you can take this first step you are well on the way to greener pastures.

Besides how often have you looked back on life and thanked God for having something not work out for you — only to be redirected to something better. Trust Him.

Give up the quest for closure

When you get heart broken, there’s one thing that tends to obsess you: Getting closure. How many times did you use that excuse to make that last call. The last text or email. That one more last time. Everyone agrees that one of the hardest parts of unrequited love is accepting that it is not ever going to be what you want it to be. You may keep looking for evidence that it’s over for you, but what you could be really looking for is proof that it could (still) happen.

Closure — that thing that promises to tie up your relationship in a big bow and explain it all. Does it?

Can you ever really find closure in what he or she says? Closure is a state of mind. Your state of mind. No one can give you closure.

It is the gift you must give to yourself.

Live for love in this moment

Indeed, unrequited love is still love. A little one-sided, maybe, but that doesn’t mean you felt less or that you weren’t entitled to feel what you felt. The truth is, sometimes love hurts. A lot. That’s okay though; that’s how we learn.

Know that, that was then and this is now. 

Things happen, people change. So do circumstances. Maybe you’re single or married today; regardless you have no more reason left to yearn for the idea of someone that once was. Getting over someone who didn’t love you back doesn’t only create more space in your heart for someone who does/will love you now, but also allows you to learn to love yourself enough first.

For love takes many forms. It is exquisitely elusive. Yet always present. Always here. Always there.

Love is falling head over heels. Drowning. Deep. And then; time stands still.

Love is like that.

Love is picking yourself up. Patting yourself dry. And then; time to move on.

Yes. Love is like that too.

www.tasneemkagalwalla.com

Are you heart broken? Unable to overcome a toxic relationship? Do you wish to find true love? Contact Life Coach Tasneem Kagalwalla to know more on how relationship coaching can best help you love yourself and find your true soul mate.

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The Dawn of Love

A Poem

 

I walked on my fingers

And clicked on my toes

I started the door

And opened the engine

I revved up my soul

And hummed the accelerator

I parked my keys

And pocketed my ear

I climbed the door

And shut the stairs

I washed my clothes

And changed my face

I brushed my shoes

And took off my teeth

I pulled down my pillows

And fluffed my sheets

I blew out my bed

And climbed into the light

And all because

He kissed me goodnight.
 

 ~ Tasneem Kagalwalla ~

www.tasneemkagalwalla.com

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The shortest and most effective visualization

A romantic story

The magical effects of visualizations has been a subject close to my heart as it has proven to bring about so many positive changes and outcomes in my life. My husband being one of them. (Read all about that @ http://tasneemkagalwalla.blogspot.com/2015/05/how-i-attracted-my-ideal-partner-in-3.html )

For many years I have been regularly spending time with creating customized visualizations for myself and my clients as well as listening to so many other empowering ones available from contemporaries and experts in my line of work.

It has become my habit consequently to usually drift off to sleep listening to a guided visualization every night. It soothes the days stress away, calms and refreshes the mind and body thus allowing a peaceful night in. It’s a perfect addition to your bedtime routine.

One cold night after a long day I stumbled into bed ready to plug in and switch off for the night. Just when I got comfy under the sheets, having plugged in the headphones into my mobile I realized that my phone battery had died. Damn. Complete bummer. The thought of getting out of bed and getting my IPad which would well serve the same purpose was too cumbersome. I was just too comfy to make that effort. So I playfully rolled over to my husband and asked him to guide me through his version of a visualization for the night.

Now it’s important here to know a little bit about my husband. Although he has a very emotional and sensitive side to him, mostly he’s a finance guy with a practical head between his shoulders. He is more of a left brained individual, unafraid to call a spade a spade and uses logic and common sense as dependable qualities with which he leads a happy life.

Therefore when he said ok, I was totally taken aback. Very keen to know how this one is going to turn out, I closed my eyes and tried to keep an open mind. I was expecting either a rational explanation on the benefits of sleeping or a guided visualization which would have me guiding myself out of it after. However I was completely wrong and pleasantly surprised. Not only was he articulate with his choice of words and affirmations but vivid in his descriptions. I was on the silver beaches of the Caribbean that night and it was blissfully tranquil. Sweet dreams are made of these.

Over the years it became a norm and often I’d ask him to talk me off to sleep. Each time, I’d ask; “Where am I today?” eager to go on yet another soul journey. I have travelled far and wide as a result, visited several beautiful locations and known serenity through his eyes. I have felt the cool sand between my toes and have been touched by a soft breeze over a mountain top. I have walked the mesmerizing dessert dunes of Arabia and seen the lush green jungles of Africa.

Haven gotten used to these moments we spent together before bedtime, I looked forward to this quintessential question, every night; “Where am I today?”

Until last night… We got home late. It was well past midnight when we retired to bed. We were tired and I was sensing my husband was in no mood to take me through any visualization imagery. Yet, programmed to ask, rolling over into his outstretched arm, I asked; “Where am I today?”

Pulling me closer he peacefully said; “Right here with me.”

I slept like a baby.

www.tasneemkagalwalla.com

Contact Tasneem Kagalwalla for your own customized Guided Visualization and/or for more information on how Life Coaching works best for you.

Read more on how to master the art of visualizing @ http://tasneemkagalwalla.blogspot.com/2015/05/how-i-attracted-my-ideal-partner-in-3.html

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3 important reminders when obsessing over what you want

Expect the Un-expected

Have you ever wanted something so bad, worked hard at it relentlessly and yet not got it? Have you given unconditional love hoping so much it would be reciprocated? And it wasn’t. Have you given it all you have, from the very core of your being and still faced failure? After failure. Have you cried hot silent tears? In the bathroom. On your pillow. When bowed in prayer. Have you wailed uncontrollably when the grieving was overwhelming? Or felt a void. A gaping wound which bleeds each and every time a candid remark erodes its scarred surface. Until you fear to hope, lest it’s just an insidious hoax. Unable to hold it together you struggle with drowning in your vulnerable thoughts of helplessness.

If you answered yes to any of the above, then this one’s for you. But first, here’s a hug and a coffee. Now let’s talk.

1. Hope and Faith. They go hand in hand and yet have very different roles to play when dealing with fulfillment of desires. Hope is an expectancy of materializing things the way you envision them; faith is the fuel to that belief. Hope comes with a picture whereas faith has no shape or picture of things to be. It just keeps you safely grounded in the knowing that, it will be. The best for you will come forth.

Learn from Faith then. When you are attached to an outcome, you hope things will happen at a certain time in a certain way – it is your expectation of how things should happen that makes you think that things are not working out. Expectations color your perception of things. You don’t really see how things are unfolding when you want them to happen a certain way. This prevents you from recognizing the good that comes your way and causes you to push it away. As it just does not fit with the way you imagine it. Without preconceived ideas to limit your perception, you are able to accept what comes your way as part of the solution to realizing what you truly desire in life.

In future if you lose hope, remember to keep the faith. It will re-ignite your courage in time and allow you to bounce back. 

2. Start taking one day at a time. Live in the present. Your deepest longings forever push you to look ahead, mentally entrapping you in the future. Like a chess player you’re always thinking 8 moves out –what should I do, what if that doesn’t work out, what’s next. You create much of your own suffering by getting caught in an endless cycle of pining and attachment. You are living a conditional life; you cannot be free in the present moment. You cannot be happy with a beautiful sunset or with a moment of warmth between you and another; instead, every experience is interpreted in the context of how much better it would be in an expected future.  

Instead keep it simple. Breathe. If you’re feeling overwhelmed because you want something too much, then do something else to distract yourself. Get involved in other things that are also important to you. Things that come 2^nd and 3^rd on your list of wants. What can I have right now? What can I do right now? Stay in the moment, see your decision right now as the best decision you can make in the moment. What happens next – how it turns out– doesn’t matter. Focus on right here. Right now. 

3. Detach. ‘You only lose what you cling to,’ says Buddha. Break free, let loose that which you desire the most. There’s a story about a monkey who comes across a trap in the forest. He can see a coconut inside. He’s hungry and so he puts his hand through a small hole to get at it. He grips onto the coconut, which he really wants to eat, but while he’s holding the coconut he can’t pull his hand free. If he only opened his hand again, he could escape, but clinging to what he wants keeps him trapped.  

We can only be deeply affected by loss when we are clinging on too tightly to something. Mind you, I’m not saying to stop wanting things. Just stop clinging to them. Clinging is holding on to something too tightly.  

When you find yourself obsessing about a desire, ask yourself. Why is it so important? What are you afraid might happen if you don’t get it? Would it really be the end of the world? 

For when you really think about it; have you ever lost out on something or someone only to be redirected to something better? Have new windows of opportunity opened just when you stopped knocking on the old closed doors. Are you eternally grateful to have something not work out for you as you had planned only because what you received instead was so much better?  

God is able to do above and beyond all that you can ask and even think of. Surrender; know that good things will come to you when the time and place is right. You will get what you need, just may not be the exact way you want it. In that sense, expect the unexpected. 

And Thank God for that. For He knows best. 

www.tasneemkagalwalla.com

Contact Tasneem Kagalwalla to seek support and overcome personal and professional blocks and barriers.

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After happily ever after…

3 ways to achieve your ‘happy family’ goals

Some time back in June 2015 I dragged my husband for a Bollywood film, ‘Dil Dhadakne Do.’ (Let your heart beat) He’s not much of a movie buff whereas the 70 mm screen n I are best friends. It was a glamorous movie about a wealthy family on a voyage of self-discovery. The movie deals with the importance of marital + family bonds and how relationships suffer when communication takes a back seat. The film revolves round the classy elite and the universally common challenges and problems they face.

Unfulfilled relationships, troubled marriages, self-image and esteem issues result in fractured families which progressively soil the collar of a household. They go about doing their job, looking clean and pristine for everyone on the outside but when you turn it over, the dirt and grime are just sitting there eating into the weave of the domestic fabric.Many personal hardships and hurdles later, one or more of the family members decide to do something about it. This typically is when a Life Coach (ahem! ahem!) would be asked to enter the story line.

Thank you. Having made my two cents worth of a sales pitch let’s move on.

There are three central characters in the film who play a small and/or big part in giving this family its breakthrough moment. That aha moment of realization. When what you stand to gain (peace of mind, love, trust, support, loyalty, happiness, reliability, honesty, etc.) is far greater than what you stand to lose (ego, pride, bitterness, reputation/image, societal acceptance, approval, etc.)

This is where most movies end… the perfect happy ending.

However here is only where the reel ends. The real work begins then. (Aka; pichar abhi baki hain mere dost.)

Fixing a damaged husband and wife relationship takes much effort from both parties, to say the least. Dealing with divorce and renewing your identity and individuality is often times a hard upward climb. Washing out your dirty laundry is a process. Much like when you switch on the washing machine; you now need to go through the cycle.

This is when you need the most help. To stay grounded. Stay committed. Stay motivated. Stay with it till you achieve what you’ve set out to overcome.

Here then are three ways to achieve your happy family outcomes. These will give you a positive head start in the right direction.

Let go.

Most important. Get everything out on the table. All your feelings, hurt, pain, sadness, frustration, anger… whatever it may be. The good, the bad, the ugly. Speak your truth and then forever let it go. Start your ‘let’s fix this’ journey on a clean slate. If you continue to harbor negative feelings towards each other you won’t get far before all that you’ve shoved under the carpet will resurface at the next slightest hiccup you may face.

Ask for forgiveness. Repeatedly if required. Thereafter always remember that you are all different individuals; regret/repentance may not come to you in the exact package you desire. That doesn’t mean they don’t mean it. Have a heart. Let off. Your conscience is a good judge to decipher if your partner/family member is making a genuine effort.

Forgive the past. Remember the lessons though.

Communicate.

How can I stress this enough?! C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E. Does this help?

Talk to each other. Really listen to what the other has to say. Make time to spend time together. There may be setbacks; stick with it. Give time time. Pay attention. Give attention. Share your worries. Appreciate your triumphs. Hug each other when you agree and disagree.

Communication (verbal and non-verbal) within the family is extremely important because it enables members to express their needs, wants, and concerns to each other. Open and honest communication creates an atmosphere that allows family members to express their differences as well as love and admire one another.

Set short term goals.

Not all of us can see the big picture from Day 1. It just seems too far away. Unattainable from such a distance.

Instead go as far as you can see; when you get there you will see further.

Therefore set short term goals. One week, a fortnight or one month… what will you do differently in this period of time to see the results you desire?

A good way to do this is to imagine your ideal relationship on a scale of 1–10 with 10 being the most ideal. Where are you at now? Say 2? Together decide on a number which best describes your current status. Now ask one another what we can do for each other over the next one month to move from 2 to 3. Get creative here. Based on the problem you wish to overcome come up with interesting and innovative things to do for and with each other. For example a family that has had no time for each other could decide to eat one meal a day together (without cell phones or TV) or a couple that has lost their spark could surprise each other with something special be it cuddling in with a movie, a hand written love letter or a romantic dinner.

You know best what makes you and your significant other happy in your relationship/family. If you don’t; communicate. Ask. Constantly endeavor to keep the relationship alive.

Eventually on the way home from the film my husband asked, “So what happens after the happily ever after?”

With a gleeful smile I replied; “That’s a surprise. Wait till we get home. You’ll love it.”

www.tasneemkagalwala.com

Contact Tasneem Kagalwalla on how Family/Relationship Coaching and Couples Therapy works best for you.

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