After happily ever after…

3 ways to achieve your ‘happy family’ goals

Some time back in June 2015 I dragged my husband for a Bollywood film, ‘Dil Dhadakne Do.’ (Let your heart beat) He’s not much of a movie buff whereas the 70 mm screen n I are best friends. It was a glamorous movie about a wealthy family on a voyage of self-discovery. The movie deals with the importance of marital + family bonds and how relationships suffer when communication takes a back seat. The film revolves round the classy elite and the universally common challenges and problems they face.

Unfulfilled relationships, troubled marriages, self-image and esteem issues result in fractured families which progressively soil the collar of a household. They go about doing their job, looking clean and pristine for everyone on the outside but when you turn it over, the dirt and grime are just sitting there eating into the weave of the domestic fabric.Many personal hardships and hurdles later, one or more of the family members decide to do something about it. This typically is when a Life Coach (ahem! ahem!) would be asked to enter the story line.

Thank you. Having made my two cents worth of a sales pitch let’s move on.

There are three central characters in the film who play a small and/or big part in giving this family its breakthrough moment. That aha moment of realization. When what you stand to gain (peace of mind, love, trust, support, loyalty, happiness, reliability, honesty, etc.) is far greater than what you stand to lose (ego, pride, bitterness, reputation/image, societal acceptance, approval, etc.)

This is where most movies end… the perfect happy ending.

However here is only where the reel ends. The real work begins then. (Aka; pichar abhi baki hain mere dost.)

Fixing a damaged husband and wife relationship takes much effort from both parties, to say the least. Dealing with divorce and renewing your identity and individuality is often times a hard upward climb. Washing out your dirty laundry is a process. Much like when you switch on the washing machine; you now need to go through the cycle.

This is when you need the most help. To stay grounded. Stay committed. Stay motivated. Stay with it till you achieve what you’ve set out to overcome.

Here then are three ways to achieve your happy family outcomes. These will give you a positive head start in the right direction.

Let go.

Most important. Get everything out on the table. All your feelings, hurt, pain, sadness, frustration, anger… whatever it may be. The good, the bad, the ugly. Speak your truth and then forever let it go. Start your ‘let’s fix this’ journey on a clean slate. If you continue to harbor negative feelings towards each other you won’t get far before all that you’ve shoved under the carpet will resurface at the next slightest hiccup you may face.

Ask for forgiveness. Repeatedly if required. Thereafter always remember that you are all different individuals; regret/repentance may not come to you in the exact package you desire. That doesn’t mean they don’t mean it. Have a heart. Let off. Your conscience is a good judge to decipher if your partner/family member is making a genuine effort.

Forgive the past. Remember the lessons though.

Communicate.

How can I stress this enough?! C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E. Does this help?

Talk to each other. Really listen to what the other has to say. Make time to spend time together. There may be setbacks; stick with it. Give time time. Pay attention. Give attention. Share your worries. Appreciate your triumphs. Hug each other when you agree and disagree.

Communication (verbal and non-verbal) within the family is extremely important because it enables members to express their needs, wants, and concerns to each other. Open and honest communication creates an atmosphere that allows family members to express their differences as well as love and admire one another.

Set short term goals.

Not all of us can see the big picture from Day 1. It just seems too far away. Unattainable from such a distance.

Instead go as far as you can see; when you get there you will see further.

Therefore set short term goals. One week, a fortnight or one month… what will you do differently in this period of time to see the results you desire?

A good way to do this is to imagine your ideal relationship on a scale of 1–10 with 10 being the most ideal. Where are you at now? Say 2? Together decide on a number which best describes your current status. Now ask one another what we can do for each other over the next one month to move from 2 to 3. Get creative here. Based on the problem you wish to overcome come up with interesting and innovative things to do for and with each other. For example a family that has had no time for each other could decide to eat one meal a day together (without cell phones or TV) or a couple that has lost their spark could surprise each other with something special be it cuddling in with a movie, a hand written love letter or a romantic dinner.

You know best what makes you and your significant other happy in your relationship/family. If you don’t; communicate. Ask. Constantly endeavor to keep the relationship alive.

Eventually on the way home from the film my husband asked, “So what happens after the happily ever after?”

With a gleeful smile I replied; “That’s a surprise. Wait till we get home. You’ll love it.”

www.tasneemkagalwala.com

Contact Tasneem Kagalwalla on how Family/Relationship Coaching and Couples Therapy works best for you.

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How I attracted my ideal partner – In 3 steps

Here's my story

 

So I get these questions all the time from clients. How do I attract my soul mate? How do I know if s/he is the one? How can I improve the chances of meeting my Mr/s Right? 

 

The answer is simple. Ascertain your relationship history. Elicit your values. Clear out any limiting beliefs and identify your deep love strategy, release any negative emotions around past experiences, test, and future pace. Set smart goals into your Time Line. Finish with a Hypnotic Induction and Voila! There you are; you have your Prince/ess Charming knocking at your door and into your life.  

I know…That’s a whole lot of coaching jargon. I also know that these and many other relationship coaching techniques bring about astoundingly successful results. However; not all of us have the same resources at our disposal. That does not mean that your relationship status shall never change. As is said; there are no unresourceful people, only unresourceful states. Snap out of your ‘I’m so lonely, no one loves me’ state. Get rid of the ‘I don’t want another bad relationship’ saga. What if; you had within your power, ways in which to jump start your love and romance journey into the right direction? Can you imagine the possibility of being able to attract your ideal partner into your life?  

Here’s my story in 3 steps.

Step 1: I visualized and used affirmations  

Visualizations are simply mental rehearsals. What you focus on, you attract. Therefore make it a habit to focus daily on what you want. Create images in your mind of being in an ideal relationship. Repeat these images over and over again. I suggest you practice this technique for 10-15 minutes each day. In your practice, you use your imagination to see yourself meeting the best man/woman, having a healthy relationship, getting married—whatever the goal is that you wish to manifest. The key to remember is to always visualize as if you already have the relationship you want. This is a mental trick. You don’t hope you’ll achieve it, or build confidence that someday it will happen. No, with visualizing you “live and feel it” as if it is happening to you now. On one level this may just be a mental trick, but here is an important truth to understand. The subconscious mind cannot distinguish between what is real and what is imagined. Your subconscious will act upon the images you create within, regardless of whether those images reflect your current reality or not.   

Affirmations on the other hand are you being in conscious control of your thoughts. They are short, powerful statements phrased in the present tense. When you say them or think them or even hear them, they become the thoughts that create your reality. Here’s an excerpt from the affirmation I had created. “My husband is loving and loyal, good looking and humorous, ambitious and trustworthy, functions out of integrity and has common values as mine. At home and with each other we continue to find endless peace of mind, security and an insatiable desire to spend our time and lives together forever.” I visualized this along with every other little detail that I could get my mind to imagine, from what he’d say to me when we first met, how he’d propose, how our relationship would unfold. I printed and pasted this inside my closet and stuck a copy of it on the mirror where I brush my teeth, first thing in the morning and last thing at night. So every time I woke up, got dressed and went to bed, consciously and subconsciously it was in my head. 

Tip: Repeat your affirmations every morning and night for a month and they will become an automatic part of your thinking... woven into the very fabric of your being.  

Step 2: I let go of attachments 

Often we get attached to our ideologies and expect that events should unfold without having to create too many or any shifts at all in our current pattern of existence. We get attached to jobs, places, things, friends and family. So much so that even if even if Cupid himself was on his/er knees right in front of you, you wouldn’t notice. After all, this doesn’t fit into your current cycle of life. Being with this individual could mean having to leave behind all that you’re familiar with and walk into the unknown. The fear of uncertainty and getting out of your existing comfort zone is often far too daunting a task. So we continue to blame the Universe/God for not bringing forth that which we desire. And hence many prospective alliances go unnoticed or un-persevered because they did not conform to our ‘has to be like this’ mindset. 

I urge you to keep an open mind. Change is the only constant of life. Chance it. All things said, if it feels right, take the risk.  

I did.  

Step 3: I gave it my best

Real relationships take effort, time and commitment. A happy relationship doesn’t just happen because two people love each other very much, great relationships happen because not only do two people love each other very much, they also value one another and are willing to make an investment of time and energy into building a happy relationship – day after day. Everyday. The early stages (after you pass the delirium of infatuation) is where the real work begins. That work is about committed listening, letting go of control, practicing vulnerability, overcoming resistance to change, being honest, even in the face of fear, and focusing on your own self rather than trying to change your partner. Like mastering any other new skill, it takes a lot to hang in there and muddle through the demanding times. The effort required is sometimes great and the challenge can be overwhelming, so much so that many conclude that it’s not worth it or that they don’t have the stamina and perseverance to work forever at this level. The truth is that some degree of effort is inevitable in most relationships. However once both partners figure out their happy equation of coexistence and synergy, the pressure eases off. Effort comes about more naturally, more easily. 

If you’re the kind to run a 100 meters dash in the opposite direction at the very onset of any kind of disagreement or misunderstanding, I encourage you to act differently. Stick it out. Sort it out. Try. Give it your best. Will you?

 

Yes, I said then. It has been magical ever since.

 

www.tasneemkagalwalla.com

 

Tasneem Kagalwalla specializes in relationship/family coaching and couples therapy.

Click here for more articles on self improvement

http://tasneemkagalwalla.blogspot.com/search/label/Self%20Improvement