5 steps to let go of guilt

Do you feel GUILT?

Guilt. Rarely does one small word have such a deep impact on our psyche.

Different people feel guilty for different things based on their values. Some feel guilt over not always being there for their children, partner or parents, saying “no” at work or when taking time out for themselves. There is guilt over past affairs, breaking someone’s heart or handling a situation unfairly. Having an abortion/ miscarriage or having to go back to work leaving your new born at home also leave many of us feeling guilty.

The reasons are varied for which we all carry our own crosses. God will never forgive me, some say. The Universe hates me, others believe. And life goes on until this guilt becomes a tainted part of our existence.

So what is guilt?

Guilt unfortunately is frequently viewed as a virtue, as a high sense of responsibility and morality. To feel guilty is seen as a sign of good character. The truth, however, is that guilt is the greatest destroyer of emotional energy. It leaves you feeling hopeless in the present and regretful in future by something that has already occurred in the past.

Regretful. That’s another important word in this context. What do you mean by regret?

Regret is a negative mental/emotional state that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made. A life that stems out of guilt and regret, often has not much to look forward to. It’s so empty.

Does that mean one should live a guilt free, regretless life without any conscience? No. Understand this. Human beings need to have a conscience. According to the dictionary a conscience is “the sense of right or wrong within the individual.” Without a conscience we would have no qualm about hurting one another, interpersonal relationships of any kind would be extinct and the world would be less safe.

In fact, excessive guilt is one of the biggest destroyers of self-worth, self-confidence and the ability to imagine positive outcomes for yourself. Beating yourself up repeatedly about a previous wrongdoing only serves as a punishment; a kind of self-decaying life sentence which you have decided to give to yourself.

Reflecting on past behavior and learning from it is enlightening. When your conscience tells you that you have done something wrong, it is important to face it, make amends and learn from your mistake. Staying consumed with guilt, however, will keep you from moving forward in a positive and productive way. With determination to resolve and absolve however, many have learned how to avoid taking off on a demeaning guilt trip.

Stay out of this bottomless pit by implementing the following steps:

·         Review the action or event over which you feel guilt. 

 

·         Was the action appropriate or acceptable under the circumstances? 

·         If so, decide to let go of the situation and refuse to think about it further. Go for a walk, call a friend or become absorbed in something enjoyable. Do anything but rethink the situation.  

·         If your action was inappropriate, is there something you can do to correct it or to make amends? Now take this step and realize you have done all you can to rectify the situation.

 

If your action was inappropriate and there is nothing you can do to make amends now, then repent. There is a big difference between regret and repent. Repentance; if properly understood is a change of mind--a change of intention from doing that which made you feel ‘guilty’ to not wanting to do it again--that results in a change of action. It involves the decision to make a change of behavior and/or attitude about something. Repentance encourages a heartfelt desire to change. 

·         What have you learned from this experience that will be helpful in the future?

Remember that the past cannot be changed, no matter how you feel about it. Victimizing yourself with excessive guilt will neither alter the past nor make you a better person. By applying the above steps though, you will begin to heal and be a better person as a result.

In the end, know that; God is great. So merciful. The Universe; a pure reflection of your spirit. The question then is not if God and the Universe have forgiven you. The question is; Have you?

 www.tasneemkagalwalla.com

Contact Tasneem Kagalwalla on how Time Line Therapy™ and Hypnotherapy helps you to overcome guilt and other limiting beliefs or negative emotions.

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Drop your baggage

It was a cold winter afternoon as the captain landed the aircraft!  Houston was every bit to her as any other United States airport. The last she had been in this country was several years ago and had hated her experience then….she hated it now too. The people, the weather, the smell of the air….everything reminded her of a time gone by!  Years ago, in this same country she had allowed herself to be so emotionally vulnerable that she had returned home with nothing but walls around her, shattered within ….the only memento of time spent. That was fourteen years ago!

As she mechanically smiled and answered the immigration officer’s questions, she couldn’t help notice the excited banter of a large Mexican family close by. God! What was there to be so excited about? Her feet ached, her head pounded, her hand was heavy with the joke of a hand bag she had on her… It was more like a truckload of dead weight! Passport stamped they walked for what seemed like miles to the next gate, they had a connecting flight to their final destination. With every step, her life seemed more like a mirage. Her home, friends, familiarity, they all seemed far behind. “Just a phone call away,” she had consoled her parents at the departure gate in Mumbai. Yet the same words couldn’t force a brave smile on her face right now. Like the one they had on theirs just yesterday, as they frantically waved until their combined eyesight of 141 years could follow her no more. They blinked; she was out of sight.

At the gate her husband asked her to be seated as he rushed off with his phone and charger. As she sat there an elderly gentleman came up to her, smiled and asked animatedly, “That’s interesting what you have on your hands, what is it?! I have never seen it before”. “Henna” she replied. “It’s beautiful, does everyone have their hands like this in your country”, he genuinely asked. “Thanks, no we have it done for festivals and important occasions”, she abruptly replied. “Where are you from?” he queered on. Oh! Leave me alone, she thought. “India”, she replied. Her monosyllable replies ended the conversation quicker than he would have intended; the gentleman politely smiled and went his way. As she sat waiting several people passed her by, as with airports you always get to see a variety of souls drifting by. Many of them smiled as they walked by.

Later, as she walked over to the restroom she looked at her watch. It still showed a different time. A quick calculation led to a perturbed sigh. It had been 30 minutes, wonder where her husband had disappeared to?! Inside a woman smiled and asked, “From India?!” God, not another one! “Yes”, she replied. “I have a friend in India”, she went on to add. “Hmm”, she replied. “All the best,” she waved as she disappeared through the door. She freshened up in cold silence thereafter and stopped to stretch out her arms. “Damn, this bag is heavy”, she whispered under her breath as she stumbled out.

Seated at a distance was her husband, pleased with phone in hand. “Needed to charge it for you, so went over to where the sockets are,” he said. “Here, you wanna call your mother?!”

In that moment, she couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed at his thoughtfulness. Her reservations seemed weak in comparison to his compassion. With tears brimming over she dropped her baggage and eagerly reached out to take the phone. As the phone rang miles across, a different bell went off in her head. The bell of realization. The bell of letting go. The bell of freedom. “Hello ma?!” she excitedly cried into the phone as an equally excited voice greeted her on the other side.

As the airline staff announced the departure of their onward flight, she walked over to the check in agent. The hand bag didn’t seem as heavy any more. She smiled as she handed over her boarding pass, the lady at the gate smiled back!

Notes from my desk: It takes a moment to decide and disconnect from close mindedness, rigidity or thoughts that are not working for you anymore. It takes a moment to get rid of all the pain, anguish, hurt and guilt. Instead you can learn from it and move on. Sometimes it takes just one act of kindness from a loved one or at other times it may take several smaller acts of kindness from strangers. At other times only a moment of introspection is enough. Bottom line being, this world, people in it and you deserve better. Choose to start afresh. Today I chose to drop my baggage!

www.tasneemkagalwalla.com