That one mistake.

P.S. Notes from my desk #7

 

Stop. Catch the mistake in the bud.

Right there, in the mud.

Before it takes root, spreads dis-ease.

Grows wild, like those wicked weeds.

Kills your peace, your happy seeds.

 

Stop. Before guilt becomes a habit. Bad.

Comes disguised as excuses. Sad.

You get used to it, like an old sore.

Conscience in pain, wounded at its core.

Now all that remains, is that stain.

Upon what was once, a clean floor.

 

Stop. That one mistake.

How many does it take?

Before you awake.

Look within - This is real. That is fake. 

What if; this test of fate.

Cheats you back. Checkmate.

Then I’m afraid - it’ll be too late.

 

It’s a choice you make. That one mistake.

 

~Tasneem Kagalwalla~

www.tasneemkagalwalla.com

 

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5 steps to let go of guilt

Do you feel GUILT?

Guilt. Rarely does one small word have such a deep impact on our psyche.

Different people feel guilty for different things based on their values. Some feel guilt over not always being there for their children, partner or parents, saying “no” at work or when taking time out for themselves. There is guilt over past affairs, breaking someone’s heart or handling a situation unfairly. Having an abortion/ miscarriage or having to go back to work leaving your new born at home also leave many of us feeling guilty.

The reasons are varied for which we all carry our own crosses. God will never forgive me, some say. The Universe hates me, others believe. And life goes on until this guilt becomes a tainted part of our existence.

So what is guilt?

Guilt unfortunately is frequently viewed as a virtue, as a high sense of responsibility and morality. To feel guilty is seen as a sign of good character. The truth, however, is that guilt is the greatest destroyer of emotional energy. It leaves you feeling hopeless in the present and regretful in future by something that has already occurred in the past.

Regretful. That’s another important word in this context. What do you mean by regret?

Regret is a negative mental/emotional state that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made. A life that stems out of guilt and regret, often has not much to look forward to. It’s so empty.

Does that mean one should live a guilt free, regretless life without any conscience? No. Understand this. Human beings need to have a conscience. According to the dictionary a conscience is “the sense of right or wrong within the individual.” Without a conscience we would have no qualm about hurting one another, interpersonal relationships of any kind would be extinct and the world would be less safe.

In fact, excessive guilt is one of the biggest destroyers of self-worth, self-confidence and the ability to imagine positive outcomes for yourself. Beating yourself up repeatedly about a previous wrongdoing only serves as a punishment; a kind of self-decaying life sentence which you have decided to give to yourself.

Reflecting on past behavior and learning from it is enlightening. When your conscience tells you that you have done something wrong, it is important to face it, make amends and learn from your mistake. Staying consumed with guilt, however, will keep you from moving forward in a positive and productive way. With determination to resolve and absolve however, many have learned how to avoid taking off on a demeaning guilt trip.

Stay out of this bottomless pit by implementing the following steps:

·         Review the action or event over which you feel guilt. 

 

·         Was the action appropriate or acceptable under the circumstances? 

·         If so, decide to let go of the situation and refuse to think about it further. Go for a walk, call a friend or become absorbed in something enjoyable. Do anything but rethink the situation.  

·         If your action was inappropriate, is there something you can do to correct it or to make amends? Now take this step and realize you have done all you can to rectify the situation.

 

If your action was inappropriate and there is nothing you can do to make amends now, then repent. There is a big difference between regret and repent. Repentance; if properly understood is a change of mind--a change of intention from doing that which made you feel ‘guilty’ to not wanting to do it again--that results in a change of action. It involves the decision to make a change of behavior and/or attitude about something. Repentance encourages a heartfelt desire to change. 

·         What have you learned from this experience that will be helpful in the future?

Remember that the past cannot be changed, no matter how you feel about it. Victimizing yourself with excessive guilt will neither alter the past nor make you a better person. By applying the above steps though, you will begin to heal and be a better person as a result.

In the end, know that; God is great. So merciful. The Universe; a pure reflection of your spirit. The question then is not if God and the Universe have forgiven you. The question is; Have you?

 www.tasneemkagalwalla.com

Contact Tasneem Kagalwalla on how Time Line Therapy™ and Hypnotherapy helps you to overcome guilt and other limiting beliefs or negative emotions.

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The day a *Bollywood celebrity snubbed me.

2 Lessons Learned

Okay so this individual is an acclaimed celebrity and I admire his ability to be versatile and oh so uber-cool in whatever he does. Aha! So now you know it’s a ‘him.’ And that my friends, is no accident. Having to be gender neutral throughout this post would have been too cumbersome a task to take on.

Having said that about the present I’d like to dive straight into the past…

…My college years were full of memories. Coming from a highly grounded and honorably traditional family, the world outside of those realms was all brand new - more diverse and quite overwhelming. Typical of an impressionable youngster, I did all I could to fit in…. was a member of most college frats, hung out in the canteen, acquired a new wardrobe, attended and bunked classes, made new friends and went to socials and parties. Along the way though the line between ‘who I was’ with some and ‘who I was trying to be’ with some others gradually faded. Whilst I stretched myself to cope with all kinds of peer pressure as well as excel in academics, the internal struggle led to a few wrong choices which proved to be big learning lessons in later years. All in all, the metamorphosis of those influential (trial and error) years triumphed into greater self-awareness and a more perceptive understanding of others around me.

During this time I had a group of friends with whom I hung out often. ‘He’ was an integral part of that group and as such a good friend.

Many years later, I was on a call once with somebody who happened to be sitting with this yesteryear friend of mine. So of course I jumped at the opportunity to talk to him after so many years.

Here’s what transpired:

Me: Hiiiiiii!  (Super excited) Him: Hello (In an indifferent voice) Me: Sooooo; how are YOU? (Completely in a  bum-chum pal moment) Him: Good. (Unenthusiastic monosyllable responses) Me: You remember me, right? (Just not getting his drift; Duh!) Him: Yes, I do. (Wish I didn’t voice) Me: How’s life, it’s been ions (Still totally swimming in the past) Him: Uhuh (Me: Uhuh???! That’s all you can manage to say! Finally…. Not a light bulb but a full on tube light moment right there!) Me: Great then, good talking to you. (Good?! Seriously did you just say good?! Which part?! The part where you felt dumb and stupid or that part where you felt even more dumb and stupid?) Him: Uhuh; Bye. Me: Bye (Whatever…like it really even matters)

Now at first I was surprised, the sad kind of surprised. Why would he? How could he? I was a friend, not his BFF but hey; we were good friends. I felt bad. I relentlessly tried to analyze the situation… Is it his celebrity status and fame which brings on that attitude? Has he unfairly judged me?  Or perhaps all these years led to a ‘disconnect’. Or was our ‘connect’ back then just a façade? And then again I thought; his reasons could be entirely different. It could be that he was having a bad day; perhaps he was feeling unwell or maybe he was just preoccupied with his own stuff.

Obsessing over the ‘why’ of ‘what’ just happened had me feeling rather restless. Until I reckoned whatever his reasons this small little incident taught me two things:

Over-analyzing is unhealthy:  Stop it. Over analyzing (or over-thinking) is a stress disorder that can affect your daily life. Analysis paralysis or paralysis of analysis is an anti-pattern, the state of over-analyzing (or over-thinking) a situation so that a decision or action is never taken, in effect paralyzing the outcome.

‘Over’ being the key word. Analyze by all means, understand the situation, learn from it, take any required action and then most importantly - Let it go.

How others act is out of your control. Essentially not something to delve upon. How you react is entirely in your control and important to bear in mind at all times.

**Forgiving yourself is healthy:  Do it. What analyzing did for me was it made me pay attention to aspects of my past that my subconscious was resurfacing as a result of this incident. Staring at me were leftovers of guilt and remnant regret from past actions. I reflected, addressed them and took corrective action. What could I do today to rid me of this past guilt? What could I learn from this regret? These were some of the questions I asked myself in order to heal my soul.

Pay attention to what is reemerging.  Year after year we unconsciously carry our past baggage into the future. Perhaps we believe there is a price, some dis-empowering form of life-long penance that we must pay. There is a tendency in all of us to hold ourselves more accountable than we do others. If someone else did the same things, you might learn to forgive them or at least let go of the hurt, anger or guilt. That's because it's easier to forgive others. After all, they don't live in your head. Yet, most of us born to this earth have not lived or died without messing up something or, in some cases, ourselves. Mistakes are natural. Therefore please forgive yourself. Not because you should, but because you can.

In conclusion folks; I’d just like to say;

You do not have to suffer from guilt or regret. You can stop beating yourself up, it is not serving you. Instead learn, take action, forgive and stop looking behind you. Turn around. See what is right in front of you, and better yet, what lies ahead.

Note: Name withheld out of sheer nostalgia. He was a dear friend and for all its worth, I’d like to remember him fondly for what once was. :)

*Bollywood: Hindi language film industry based in Mumbai, India.

** It is your prerogative to heal in a way best suited to your beliefs and values. Some ask for forgiveness from God others practice charity. Whatever you resonate with works.

www.tasneemkagalwalla.com