The fourth and
equally important part is the rules you use to play the wellness game in your
family. The Oxford dictionary define rules as, “one of a set of explicit
or understood regulations or principles governing conduct or procedure within a
particular area of activity.” (http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/rule)
Rules therefore tend to project what one ‘must do.’ Now, let’s shift that perception to the concept of ‘should do.’ Let’s take the word from its flat definition form and see how rules are actually a vital, dynamic and extremely influential force in your family life.
Rules therefore tend to project what one ‘must do.’ Now, let’s shift that perception to the concept of ‘should do.’ Let’s take the word from its flat definition form and see how rules are actually a vital, dynamic and extremely influential force in your family life.
Family rules are important as soon as two or more people
live together. Typically rules revolve around money and budgeting, getting the
chores done, planning for individual needs, dealing with household fixes and
any other contributing factors that make it possible for the family to live
together in the same house. The question is who makes the rules, what they do
for your family and what happens when they are broken?!
The answers to these questions lie in the following 21
steps. Adhering to these will ensure a family that is having a ball. Ok! Just
kidding – here are 3 simple steps to setting family rules which actually work
in the best interest of your household.
Step
1: Finding out about the
rules in your family.
Many a times you may find
that you are living by rules of which you’re not even aware. Therefore sit with
all family members and ask the following questions:
·
What are
your current rules?
·
How well
understood are your rules?
Do not discuss at
this stage whether the rules are right or wrong, whether they are being obeyed
or disobeyed. This exercise should be carried out in the spirit of brain
storming together, trying to discover all there is to find. Maybe you have a
nine year old boy who thinks that the rule is that he has to he has to stop
playing when his younger sister wants to use the same game. He figures that
since he is elder he must sacrifice his play time. His sister on the other hand
thinks that the rule is that her brother stops playing when his mother tells
him to. Can you see the misunderstanding that can result from this? This could
be happening in your home. Also, often irate parents say, “The kids know what
they should and shouldn’t do.” Ask the kids and they are clueless. Most people
‘assume’ that everyone else knows what they know. Talking over your rule
inventory can help identify rules which are unfair or inappropriate, assist
with clearing misunderstandings and other behavioral problems.
For many families
simply sitting and discovering their rules is new and proves to be extremely
enlightening.
Step
2: Work towards
discovering which of your rules are still up to date and which are out dated. Discard
the old and unfitting ideas and select the ones you find useful. Now ask the
following questions:
·
Are the
rules helping or obstructing?
·
What do
you want them to accomplish?
·
What agreement
have you worked out for making changes in your rules?
·
Who is
allowed to ask for changes?
·
Can your
family members appeal against a rule?
Furthermore, dig
a little deeper:
·
How are
rules made in your family?
·
Does
just one of you make them?
·
Is it
the person who is the oldest, youngest or most powerful? Is it the head of the
family who calls all the shots, or your mother in law; or is it the daughter in
law who now holds all the reins?
·
Do you
get them from books, from society, from peers or from the families where the
parents grew up, where do they come from?
And eventually talk
about the rules that act as an invisible force, controlling the lives of all
family members. These are the ‘unwritten rules’ dealing with the freedom to comment.
·
Can you
express your helplessness, anger, need for comfort, etc.
·
To whom
can you say it?
·
How do
you go about it if you disagree or disapprove of someone or something?
·
How do
you question when you don’t understand (or do you)?
·
Do you
have any topics which you can’t talk about and can’t talk about why not either?
A family provides
all kind of experiences. Some of joy, others of pain or sadness. Whatever the
feelings, if they cannot be recognized and commented on, they get shoved under
the carpet and eat away at the roots of the family well-being. For e.g. when
you hear expressions like, “you shouldn’t feel like that, you’re a boy, boys
don’t cry.” This develops attitudes about individual self-worth, which
translates itself into helplessness, hostility and loneliness.
Step
3: Lastly after you have
thought about your rules and examined them, why not check them out against the
following questions:
·
What are
they accomplishing for you now?
·
What
changes do you need to make now?
·
Which of
your present rules fit?
·
Which
have to be discarded?
·
What new
ones do you have to make?
In conclusion, we
have seen how rules can be a very real part of the structure and functioning of
the family. It takes continuous effort to bring about continuous improvement. New
awareness, new resolve and new hope can enable you to change the rules of the
game and create win-win outcomes for your family.
Credits: Based on the
research of famous American author and renowned family therapist, Virginia Satir.
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